Akatsuki Antics
by Nightangel52
Summary: You know... the Akatsuki are really just like every other group of roommates. Just a bit more... murdery.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Naruto Shippuden, or any other anime/manga for that matter. This is just a parody and all rights belong to their specific owners.**

 **Hey there, this story is basically a collection of one shots off the top of my head that I hope get a laugh out of you. As this is not an actual story and just a collection of one shots revolving around Akatsuki I will usually put my other stories first. However, having said that, I still hope you all enjoy it and will appreciate all the support you offer.**

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 **Chapter 1: How Orochimaru 'Really' Left the Akatsuki**

It was another relatively peaceful day in the Akatsuki hideout on the early morning of March 12 somewhere in Fire Country. While this day held no importance at the time, it would soon be remembered as the day one of their 'beloved members' left the Akatsuki for good.

It was a normal day, just less… murdery. In fact, Sasori had only threatened Kakazu twice for trying to sell his beloved puppets, a record low. It was on this quiet and uneventful day when the group's newest member, Itachi Uchiha walked into the main room of the stone hideout hidden within a mountainous region. Now, this was not anything new, however it made the few other people in the room a bit wary. Despite being the youngest member there, he had killed his entire clan, his family. That was something that even hardened criminals frowned upon usually, well except for Sasori, Kakazu, and Pain.

However, for once this was not the only reason. The boy's first teammate had died on one of the missions with the boy and Itachi had been reluctant to reveal all the details. Not only that, but his newest comrade, Orochimaru, had apparently attacked the boy 'unprovoked' and had been beaten with a glance. That was some impressive power, and with all of them knowing what was about to happen, they did not want that power to be directed to them.

"Hello, Kakazu-san, Sasori-san, Konan-sama," Itachi said in his monotone voice as he steadily walked towards the kitchen for his morning pockey. They all knew he was addicted to the sweet food, but the last person who had told him that had been his first teammate so yea…

"Um, Itachi-san, maybe you shouldn't go in there yet, we are discussing the Akatsuki's next objective…" Sasori started in a vain attempt to keep the boy away from the kitchen and the harsh truth.

"Very well… however, I just need to grab my pockey and then I will be right with you," Itachi stated, not breaking stride in his path to the kitchen. The members in the group stayed seated in silence, ready to book it as soon as a chance was provided. If they fled then, then they would be blamed and they DEFINITELY did not want that. That was when they were struck with the most oppressive killer intent that they had ever experienced. Itachi stepped slowly into the room, his eyes covered by his bangs and the KI rolling off him in waves. He slowly and deliberately held up a pocky stick with absolutely no pocky. There wasn't even a single crumb.

"Well, I have to leave now. I'll see you later Itachi-san, the leader has told me to-," Kakazu yelped, YELPED, as the aforementioned pocky stick flew through the air right where his head used to be.

The silence was so thick, that they were sure all of the oxygen had decided to flee from the wrath of the angry pocky god. There was silence for a bit longer before Itachi looked up to look into each of the three people's eyes with his own mangekyou sharingan. "I have not asked for much from this organization…" Itachi began with a cold voice that could freeze Hell, and then freeze the ice. Sasori was feeling a chill himself and he didn't even have a real body. "However, one thing I have asked from each of you and have come to expect from you is to not. Touch. My. Pocky…" Itachi actually had to take a moment to compose himself from the ever growing rage before continuing.

"However, one of you has the AUDACITY to not only eat my FAVORITE FLAVOR of breakfast pocky, but my lunch pocky as well. What am I supposed to do hm? Fight on an empty stomach? Eat some of that disgusting slosh you all call 'food' while not experiencing the wonders of pocky? But no, that is not even the worst part. The worst part is not only has someone left all of the sticks exactly where they used to be, licked clean I might add, but still has one of my pieces of pocky!" Itachi yelled in pure rage. He was about to add more when who else but Orochimaru walked right into the main room, the pocky Itachi was yelling about in his hands.

He looked from Itachi, to his pocky, back to Itachi again, to the others with a pleading look, and finally back to Itachi when he saw they were going to be absolutely no help. "Um… I can explain?" Orochimaru offered weakly.

"…Susanoo," Itachi stated simply.

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Pain was jarred awake from his sleep when he felt more than heard a large rumbling in the cave and what sounded like intense screaming. Slowly, he made his Deva Path go check out what the Hell was happening to his base of operations. When he got there, he saw rubble strewn about, Sasori using his poisoned ropes as sort of a slingshot to get away, Kakazu riding one of his mask… things like a rodeo bull, and Konan was already flying away at high speeds. He sighed in annoyance as a single paper floated down and landed in his hands.

"CODE POCKY! THIS IS NOT A DRILL, I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THE TRUE GOD HAS AWOKEN AND IS PLANNING TO KILL US ALL!" okay now that was just mean calling someone else a true god. However, he was glad no-one saw his face pale as the read the first line. Code Pockey was an emergency code worse than even the damn Sage of Six Paths coming forward in time to kick their ass, it was when someone stole Itachi's pocky.

"HOW DARE YOU, YOU FILTHY SNAKE?!" Pain heard from the giant skeletal creature overlooking a cowering Snake Sannin.

"Sweet Sage almighty, it's only pocky Itachi," Orochimaru said in an attempt to calm the angry Uchiha. It backfired spectacularly.

"Only pockey…? ONLY POCKY?!" Itachi screamed at the snake as Orochimaru barely dodged a strike from the titan's sword. Pain decided that maybe he should make a hasty retreat and move their base to another country when Orochimaru saw him and made a 'help me' sign. Pain politely refused.

"YOU DARE TO CALL THE FOOD OF THE GODS ONLY POCKY?!" Itachi yelled out. Okay, that was also very rude as Itachi knew good and well that Pain did not eat the food at all.

"The taste… the feel… the savory feeling…" Itachi trailed off as he recounted all of the pleasure that eating the food could bring a man. "AND YOU STOLE THAT FROM ME! FOR THAT YOU WILL PAY! I WILL MAKE THE UCHIHA MASSACRE LOOK LIKE A JOKE AFTER I AM DONE WITH YOU!" he yelled out at Orochimaru.

Okay… well that settles it. Pain decided to leave to the Land of Rain or something to make his new base of operations. Maybe he could be a god there or something, Itachi was obviously the one in The Land of Fire. Little did anyone know it, but Zetsu was actually watching a 'small' distance away and decided the same as Pain.

About a week later, Itachi almost spit out his new batch of pocky when he read his new bingo book entry. Under known aliases in fine print was "Itachi Uchiha, The God of Pocky." Oh if he ever saw Kakashi again he was never going to hear the end of that…

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 **AN: Well that was that. I am not very good at humor if you couldn't tell but this was a little idea that I came up with and thought it was pretty funny. There may be more to come depending on all of your support and I hope you all enjoyed it, or at least tolerated it.**

 **Also, i am looking for someone who would like to make cover art for all of my fanfictions. If you are interested please PM me, I would do it myself but I am arguably as skilled as a kindergartener in art.**


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